Grief Recovery

2006-02-02T22:11:00.000-05:00

I guess I should start to keep this diary update. It's been a while. Lessee... It's Feb 2nd 2006 and things look really differently now.

Sometime between Christmas and New Years, my mood changed a lot. I went out both those nights. Went to John and John Anthony's for an open house on Christmas Eve. John and Ernie were there. Briefly talked to someone named Daniel. What a handsome man! Talking to John Anthony on Christmas day, it turns out Dan lives nearby. He got on the line to say hi and exchange phone numbers with me. Then I went to Jim's house on New Year's Eve. Dan was there, I even very subtly flirted a bit. Gotta keep in mind though that I'm shy and not very self-confident, so the flirting is very easily overlooked and taken as simple gay friendliness. But the thing is that I actually entertained the thought of dating and started to take interest in someone. Shortly after that, I also found a nice cache of self-confidence. Not enough to let me walk up to a man and ask for a date, but enough to make me feel better day-to-day. It feels good.

Zoloft's side effects seem to be dissapating. I'm getting, uh, horney! more often now. There's only two people I regularly have sex with. Both call me pretty frequently. I have to be careful of the one though. I can find myself liking him too much. He's married. I definitely dislike that! It just bothers me that it's behind his wife's back. I don't want to be the "other woman". Ha! Like I could be mistaken for a woman. LOL. I don't want her to get hurt, but he's gonna go out and have sex anyway, sooooooo. I just have to make sure he doesn't get hooked on me. A few meetings for mutual physical needs is fine, but I don't want him to fall in love with me or something. It'll just be messy for us both. And yes, he's really starting to think fondly of me. We fooled around twice, and I know I left a VERY good impression . Yes, I'm that good. :D

I still have grief moments. Sometimes I bring forth a memory, try to relive it, and feel overwhelmed again. I think of Scott every day, but I'm afraid I'll one day realize that I hadn't thought of him for a long time. Holding him close to me with memories at least lets me "feel" him, and I still feel love and incredible loss when I think of him (starting to cry right now). I don't want to forget those feelings, or forget to feel them.

Enough of this for now. I was doing good up till a minute ago. I'll see you tomorrow.

2004-10-22T22:25:00.000-04:00

I just got back home from the coffee shop. The gay and lesbian community association for our town is hosting Friday night get-togethers at the local coffee house. Musicians play, and you get a chance to meet people. I go because it gives me a chance to get out of the house and talk to people for a change.

I guess I should say that I'm having a really bad time right now. The breakup affected me more than I thought. Being rejected for someone else, after we shared so much and so intimately, is incredibly painful. I know he's going out and having a good time and has someone to lean on and share things with, and I'm alone with no practical friends and no life. Most of the grief I've managed to work through, so I'm ready to have good times and do things. Except that I have nobody to do anything with. The stress of it all brought on depression. I saw a shrink today and started taking Zoloft. My first dose was today and it made me feel weird, but takes a couple weeks before it actually has an effect on depression and anxiety. So until the zoloft takes effect, I'm depressed, anxious, and feeling weird. I just usually want to cry most of the time.

I went to the Raven last Saturday and Sunday in the afternoon for a couple beers. I actually had a good time. That was the sign that my grief is under control. Being in the place where we met and celebrated all the time, and not feeling grief, was almost exhilirating. But I still had to come home and be alone and feel the depression take hold.

I've had my third course in psychology this week, and I really like taking a college course. I think I'm going to arrange to always have a course to go to. At least I feel like I'm doing something. I enjoy sitting in the class with other students (of all ages). It's been happening that we finish early and the teacher sends us home. This makes everyone except me pretty happy. I get to go home and just watch TV and remember I have no life yet.

I can't wait for this year to be over!

2004-10-12T16:10:00.000-04:00

I saw my therapist today. I brought up that I think I may need to go on some meds. My emotions have been flying all over the place lately, I just can't keep up with them. I had a great time on Friday with Jim and new boyfriend and his daughter, and then I was sobbing all the next day. I have highs, and then plummet almost instantly into horrible lows. I just know that I'm tired now and can't keep doing this, especially with the holidays coming up. Maybe I'm clinically depressed, maybe not. I sure hope some meds are justified and will help even out the emotions so I can deal with them better.

Another problem I'm having is that I worked through a lot of my grief. My personality is resurfacing again. I'm joking a lot and laughing and am more open. My personality wants to shine right now, but I have too few people in my life to share it with. When you have the desire to laugh and joke around, but there's nobody around you, it leaves you feeling alone and that everything is hopeless. I need to meet more people. No, I need more than that. I need special special people in my life, and I just don't have that. I hesitate bringing anyone during this period because I'm such a mess, and that makes it even more difficult. I want to have someone, but I'm afraid to let people in right now while I'm such a mess.

I miss having Jim around to hold me and cheer me up. We're still friends, and still call each other. But I miss being able to be initimate with him. Not necessarily physically intimate, just... intimate emotionally. I still could, but since he has a serious boyfriend now, he won't be that way with me, and it's not right for me to dump stuff on him if he's never going to rely on me.

I still talk to Scott every night. I miss him terribly and don't want him to ever think I forgot about him. So I talk to him every night and pray he hears me. I tell him everything that's happening to me, I tell him how much I love and miss him, and I ask him for advice.

I'm still waiting for an answer.

2004-10-09T10:47:00.000-04:00

Emotional Healing: Some thoughts on how we think and heal

I started thinking about why we feel such pain when we lose someone important in our lives, and how we get over it and heal.

The thought occurred to me that your brain is like a giant building with lots of little rooms and twisting corridors. But when I say "giant", I mean the largest building you can ever imagine, containing millions of rooms and corridors. And it's perpetually under construction and building new rooms and hallways.

When we experience something, those memories are placed in new little rooms. A hallway and route to that room is mapped out, and all of the sights, sounds, experiences, smells, and memories are stored. They're not all in one room, but small clusters of rooms, sometimes spread out. When we recall a memory, we automatically walk the hallways to the appropriate room and recall all of those sensations/memories. Sometimes we shortcut through other rooms. Even the hallways are filled with pictures and sights and sounds.

When we lose someone, the pain of the loss is stored in this mansion too. All of the pain, which are tangible things in this mansion of ours, are stored in rooms and in hallways. The realization that person is gone, the pain of loneliness, the pain of missing him, and the memories of how it happened. Your mind, being the wonderful indexing machine it is, stores these painful things with the memories of that person. It builds new rooms for these memories, and even places them along the routes to the memories of that person.

When you recall that person, you're walking down the hallways to the rooms with all of the memories about him. Along the way, those painful memories are there too. As you recall him, you're presented with the other memories. When you recall that trip you both took, you also recall his current absence and maybe even how he died. If you can picture these hallways you walk down, those painful memories are like razor blades embedded in the walls. As you walk down the room, you're cut and sliced, until when you finally reach the main room of the memories you're recalling, you're so bloodied and hurt, those good memories are overwhelmed by the pain.

But the mind is very resourceful. Since that mansion of your mind is under construction, your mind starts building new hallways to those rooms. It comes up with new routes and builds new rooms. These new routes don't have those painful memories in them. After time, you find that more and more often, you're taking the new, painless route to get to those pleasant memories. It doesn't just stop there though. Even the painful memories in the rooms you're going to are rearranged. They're moved off to the side, put underneath other things, maybe even placed in boxes. Your mind doesn't discard anything, it just puts them out of sight. They can be looked at anytime, and will hurt just as much, but they're not in your face all of the time anymore.

Even the painful razor-filled hallways change with time. What happens if you have a brand new razor you just bought, and you put it away for a year or two, then pull it out and run your finger across it? You get cut. What happens if that razor is used all of the time? If every day you cut yourself with it while shaving? It gets dull.

So it appears to me the best way to heal is not to forget and push aside all memories of your loved one, but instead, to walk down those hallways to get to your memories of him. New hallways are built, painful memories are put aside, and the razors get dull. At some point, you can have all of your good memories of him with very little pain. There will always be something there that can bring on pain, but it gets easier and easier to avoid them. You simply find they're not in your face anymore, so you're not looking at them as much. And those dull razors, while still being uncomfortable, don't cut anymore. They may scratch, but eventually, the joy of those good memory rooms will overwhelm any discomfort you feel from walking those hallways.

Well, this was poorly-written, but it at least let me get some impressions I was having written down.

2004-10-09T10:28:00.000-04:00

Well, I guess it's time to pick up my blog again and start posting.

A lot happened this summer. The main thing being me getting dumped in August. Jim withdrew and was keeping his distance from me. He showed up at a social event I went to and had a date. I knew he was still seeing other people, we never said we were are dedicated couple, but it still hurt. We had a trip to Toronto planned for the next week, and he said he was really looking forward to it. That trip was hard. He was distant and not at all like he was the previous months. I then brought the subject up and he said that he wasn't ready for someone to rely on him as much as I was relying on him. Maybe I was. He was one of my only outlets for doing anything social. He said that he wasn't serious with his new "friend". So I just tried to take it all in stride.

It was only this past week when we were talking that I asked him how's it going with his new "friend", and he said they were getting serious. It felt like someone just stabbed me. I was feeling really good and was on a high. I was getting over him and starting to concentrate on myself. But when he said that, I just felt awful. Now it was more than just he didn't want to get serious with anyone, it was that he didn't want to get serious with me. In a few seconds, any self-esteem I had built up just disintegrated. I was getting the realization that people tend to like me and enjoy me, but once they get to know me, they lose interest.

I miss having someone special. I miss waking up next to someone I care about, and who cares about me. I've had some casual sex in the past few weeks. It never leaves me feeling anything but unfulfilled. I'm not pursuing casual sex anymore. I guess I just have to get used to the fact that I'm alone. I can have friends and people to talk to on the phone and sometimes even someone to do something with, but I just won't have someone special to really share things with.

I partied with Jim and his daughter and his new boyfriend last night. The guy is really nice. He's charming and funny and I can see why Jim likes him. He helps make you forget your problems. He makes you laugh a lot and is always upbeat and fun. I still wonder though if the main reason Jim is seeing him is because he makes him forget everything and cheers him up. What we went through is a life-changing event. It can change you for the better if you do it right. To ignore it and forget your previous life with your late partner isn't the way to go. You should cherish that life and integrate it into your new life. I hope Jim doesn't find that he's just trying to escape and that the grief and pain is still there waiting.

My own grief has changed significantly. I still grieve over Scott. I talk to him every night and miss him incredibly. But now the feelings I have are more self-centered. It's like I've accepted that Scott is not with me anymore, and am concentrating on the fact that I'm alone. I don't dwell on Scott, but dwell on my own loneliness. I dwell on the fact that I had someone special who rejected me for someone else (and I still have incredibly strong feelings for him, too). I dwell on way too many things that aren't good for me. Maybe I have depression? Definitely have to make an appointment with my doctor to get an exam and maybe an evaluation for depression.

The one bright thing right now is that I've started a class in Psychology. It's interesting and fills up Wednesday evenings. It's fun to walk through the college campus and be in a class with other people and learn something new and interesting. I'm definitely taking more courses next semester! Anyway, that's it for now. I'm going to post a few thoughts I came up with on grief, and maysome some spiritual thoughts I've had.

2004-06-02T17:34:00.000-04:00

"God never gives you more than you can handle."

I've had this said to me before on several occasions. The wording may change, but the meaning is always the same. There's a certain amount of comfort to be found in it. Knowing that nothing that happens to you is insurmountable, and that God (who is all-wise) knows you are capable of handling it.

I also don't believe it.

There's two incorrect assumptions in that sentence. The first being that God micromanages everything that happens to us. That when anything at all happens, it's God's purposeful and direct action. I don't believe that for a second. I think God just made up the general rules and laws of this universe, and sometimes really bad and awful shit happens to people. It's the random nature of the universe that He created. In a way, I guess it all comes from Him, but only in a general way. Surely not the purposeful and direct action that's implied.

The second thing I don't believe about that sentence is the "more than you can handle" part. Am I handling this? Usually. Sometimes. Occasionally. Rarely. Never. All of those apply. There were times early in my grief that I simply couldn't bear my loss. Some say that I did bear it, and continue to to bear it. But breaking down, falling to the floor, and screaming is most definitely not bearing it. My friend said to me "I don't know how you manage to even get out of bed in the morning." If I had a choice, I wouldn't. If I really had a choice, I wouldn't be bearing this at all and I would just die. But you see, I have no choice. I have people that depend on me. I don't have the strength, courage, or will to end my own life. Ending your life is the only real choice you have, and for many of us, it's not a choice. So I endure the pain because there's no alternative. It's still there. It's there every day. It continually awakens anew and whittles away any hope of future happiness. Intellectually, I know that eventually I'll recover and happiness will be in the future. Emotionally, I can't ever imagine really being happy again. The best I can hope for is to just bide my time and endure the rest of my life until the eventual end when the pain ends.

It doesn't feel like living right now, it just feels like endurance. Things will change, I know, but it sure doesn't feel that way.

2004-06-01T20:31:00.000-04:00

I went up to Jim's house on Sunday, spent the night, and attended a cookout he threw for his friends on Monday (Memorial Day). It was great spending the night with him, and it was nice being with him and his friends. Well, it was hard being with his friends. They all know each other really well, and I'm the odd man there. At a couple points, I felt very very alone. I became very aware of the fact that I no longer have my soulmate with me. I went downstairs to sob a bit and managed to compose myself before anybody came down. Overall though, it was OK.

Today, I had a real surprise at work. Pierre Robert called from WMMR! It was so odd actually hearing him on the phone and talking to him. And what totally blew me away was that he was calling to let me know that he was playing the song I requested last week! Pierre, I really love you for calling me and playing that song! I ran out to my car and listened to "Best Friend" from Queen. I cried during it, but I really wanted to hear it. Part of me believes that Scott was aware of it too and knows how I feel.

Ooooh you make me live,
Whenever this world is cool to me,
I got you, you're all I need.
Ooooh, you make me live now honey,
Oooh, you make me live.
You're the best friend that I ever had.
I've been with you such a long time,
You're my sunshine.
And I want you to know that I really love you.
You're my best friend.

2004-05-26T22:18:00.000-04:00

Today is our 24th Anniversary. It was one of the most awful depressing experiences I ever endured. I started the day out by going to the cemetary. I got a small basket of flowers that I placed in front of his cremation niche. Our niches are at floor level, so the basket was right in front of his. The card on the basket was a "Happy Anniversary" card, and I wrote "Scott, All my love goes out to you. Bobby". I cried placing it there, and continued crying for quite some time.

Like we did every year, I went to the Raven (where me met). We always went for dinner. I didn't think I could endure a whole dinner, so I went for lunch instead. I ordered the Pate Maison (which Scott always ordered as an appetizer) and a Caesar Salad. I also ordered a Dewars on the Rocks. I hate Scotch, but it felt right to be drinking it since it was his favorite drink. Maybe it was masochistic of me, but I kept the drink pushed away from me towards the other side of the table.... like Scott was there and had just stepped away for a moment. Seeing that drink there without him was agony, but in a way, it helped me more easily visualize him sitting there. It was hard, but I managed to make it through lunch, then drove west to see Jim.

Jim's daughter (in college) is staying with him, and I wanted to meet her. He invited me over for dinner because he knew I'd be depressed today. So I drove up there after lunch listening to Pierre's workforce blocks on MMR. That morning, I sent an email to Pierre asking him to play "Best Friend" from Queen. I imagine I didn't make the request in time, because he didn't play it, but I was stunned when he played something else. He played a brand new song from Rush! Wow! I didn't even know they recorded a new album! I can't imagine a nicer anniversary gift than to hear a new song from Rush. Well, a nicer gift would be to have Scott back, but within reason, that's one of the best things I could've had. I wonder if Scott (or some higher power) had his hands in on it?

Dinner with Jim and daughter was very nice. At one point, I forgot it was my anniversary, and then felt guilty and sad when I remembered again. But it was still good seeing them and forgetting for just a little bit. Maybe now that I've gotten it all out of my system, things will improve a bit.

2004-05-12T09:34:00.000-04:00

Things seem to be getting difficult again. It seems that more and more things are triggering memories. An article of clothing, a knick-knack laying around the house, something someone says.... everything seems to bring back a memory of Scott, and all these memories end with that night in Key West, with him laying in front of me. I've been getting so depressed during the daytime that it's difficult to even function. I actually feel physically depressed! I started Wellbutrin last night. It's an antidepressant and also helps you quit smoking. Maybe I can combat the depression and quit smoking at the same time. I started off with a quarter tablet. I'll do that for four days, then move up to a half tablet for a few days, then finally a full tablet. After a couple weeks of a full tablet, I'll try quitting smoking.

I just still can't believe that he's not here with me. Truthfully, the idea of going through life with these memories and feelings isn't that pleasant. Part of me just wants life to zip by quickly so I can be done with it. I just can't imagine that there'll be some future time where there's no pain.

I want so much to be with him right now. I wish he would just come and take me.

2004-05-02T16:52:00.000-04:00

Jim and I spent Saturday night in Philly. We went to Philly's Equality Forum today. The grief counselors from the hospice that hosts our group wanted to have a table at the forum (which culminates with a large street fair on Sunday). We agreed to sit at the table and greet anyone coming by and answer questions. Maybe if someone lost their partner, or knew someone who did, we'd be able to help. But we walked around the street fair and couldn't find the booth. They must have cancelled out. Jim and I spent the night in Philly, but the third guy joined us during the day time. It was OK I guess. Lots of painful memories though. I would have preferred to have stayed home, but I really wanted to support our group at their table. So I wound up being there anyway, remembering how Scott and I would always go every year. I'm so glad Jim was with me, I wouldn't have been able to bear it otherwise.

2004-04-30T09:20:00.000-04:00

Relentless Filter.
The veil of grief envelopes,
clinging to your soul.

2004-04-19T23:26:00.000-04:00

I forgot to mention that I spoke with Jim for a couple hours tonight. It was really nice. I was thorough depressed and called him, and he was thoroughly depressed. But by the time we hung up, we were smiling and happy. I'm going there tomorrow night to cook dinner for him. Fettucini Carbonara. He's psyched. I can't wait!

2004-04-19T23:24:00.000-04:00

What a fuckin' abysmal weekend! I thought things were getting easier.... they're not! I was barely able to maintain my composure the entire weekend. And there were a couple times I couldn't even do that. I went to Stu and Janet's for pizza and met Bill and Cheryl there. I thought it would be fun, but all I could think of was that Scott wasn't there. It hurt so bad, I almost couldn't bear it. I don't know how people can do this. I just know that I'm starting to wish that I would get hit by a bus or struck by lightning. I layed in bed on Sunday begging Scott to come and take me with him. This is just too painful. For every little bit that I like Jim (and I like him a LOT), I miss Scott a million times more!

I had a mattress delivered on Saturday. The old one was getting so worn, that it needed to be changed. Scott layed in bed a lot watching TV, and his side was sunken in in a permanent indentation. The new one is all thick and poofy and comfortable.... I can't believe the difference. I sat there on the edge of it marvelling at how much higher I was sitting. I didn't realize I was doing it, but I found myself staring at a pair of Scott's shoes in front of me. Do you have things in your house that you're so used to seeing that you don't even see them anymore? His shoes are like that. They're always there and I never think of them. But yesterday, I sat on the bed and stared at them and finally noticed them. All I could think was that he is never going to wear them again.

I have to start putting his stuff away. It just kills me to do that. Every time I do something like that, it's like I'm moving him further and further into the past, and I don't want to do that. I want him with me in the present. This sucks more than I ever imagined anything sucking. How do people bear this?!

2004-04-04T22:07:00.000-04:00

Had a great time with Jim on Saturday. We met at the Westbury in Philly with the third guy from our group and had a nice lunch. I showed up early because I knew the place would hold a lot of memories for me.... and it did. I sat at the bar in tears to the point where the bartender came up to me to see if he could help. When I told him what was wrong, he started crying too. Talk about being pathetic! I actually made a bartender cry!

Jim and I went back to his place and hung out for a while before his friend's party. It was nice. Really really nice. It was so nice to be able to hold someone and be held by someone. I wish Scott could hold me again. I want so badly to wrap my arms around him. That's not gonna happen though.

I'm finding that I'm caring for Jim quite a bit. The party was pretty good. We talked and had a good time. At one point, we sat on the sofa and I had my arm draped around him. It felt really good. Why am I doing this? I still miss Scott so much! Am I being foolish or stupid? Is this a rebound thing? I wish I knew. But I know that it's the only thing bringing any kind of happiness into my life, so I'm not stopping yet. And I really do like Jim.

2004-04-03T19:25:00.000-05:00

Jim picked me up on Friday morning and we spent the night in Atlantic City. It was really great being with him again. This is actually starting to scare me because I'm liking him more than I thought I could like someone. I felt so bad for him though... AC was a favorite spot for he and his partner. It was really too much for him to do all those things again. He was hurting towards the end of the trip. I wish there was something I could have said or done to make it better, but there isn't.

2004-03-28T22:55:00.000-05:00

Jim called me and said it was so nice, we should go to a park for a bit. I met him in Camden in a little park by the river. We wound up sitting and chatting for a couple of hours. It was really nice. I felt so at ease with him and so comfortable. It's almost frightening. We kissed in the car for a bit before we left. It felt so good to hold someone you care about, and feel them holding you. We're both looking forward to the weekend and the party. My mind is all over the place right now. I'm feeling excitement and happiness, and I'm still feeling some pain. It's such a confusing feeling. I'm totally excited about Jim, but Scott is so fresh in my mind still. I can still see him and hear him and feel him. I think of Jim and I get excited and happy. And then I think of Scott, and I feel pain... deep pain. I want so badly to tell him what's going on. I can't believe that I'm going through so much and I can't tell him. The one bright point about this is that Jim understands. Though we haven't talked about it, I just know he's feeling the same things. We can both mourn our lovers to each other without feeling guilt.

My therapist is going to get a hell of an earful tomorrow!

2004-03-28T04:03:00.000-05:00

I can't believe this. I went to the Bike Stop and met Jim. We chatted for a while, I met some of his close friends, and I had a really great time! I found I was really liking him a lot, and he was so damn fine lookin'! After we left, we walked back to his car (he was going to drive me to mine). We talked, and I found out he feels a strong attachment to me.... both physically and emotionally. I felt like a lovestruck schoolgirl! My head was spinning in the most wonderful way! I told him I felt the same thing. But both of us didn't know quite what to do! We're still in the heavy stages of grief. Could this be a way of us passing our feelings for our lost loved ones onto someone else? I just didn't know. He drove me back to where my car was parked, we talked a bit more, and I said I really wanted to kiss him.

Oh man! He kisses sooooooo good! He was the lucky one though! He didn't have to stand up afterwards and try to inconspiciously "arrange" himself so he could walk back to his car without the crotch of his jeans bulging out in front of him!

He invited me to a party he's going to next weekend. It's a bit of a drive, so said I could stay overnight with him if I felt comfortable with it. I'm leaning towards it. I'm not sure if it's the right thing to do, but I really like him and want some joy in my life right now. You have no idea how hard it is to be in such thorough pain for so long with not even the slightest sign of joy or happiness on the horizon. So I'm leaning towards going and spending the night with him.

I missed my turn in Philly again. I can't believe that twice now, I've missed Race Street.

2004-03-24T23:35:00.000-05:00

I talked to Jim again tonight. Spent another two hours on the phone. I was so depressed and hurting, I gave him a call. He was at a bar with his daughter but sounded glad to hear me. He called me back at 9:00 and we talked for a good couple hours. I have to admit, talking with him really seems to help. By the end of it, we were laughing a bit. We made plans to hook up in Philly on Saturday. There's a social event at one of the leather bars, and he says it's a good way to meet really nice people. I'm actually looking forward to it! I used to go there with Scott, but maybe I'll be distracted enough so that I won't feel pain from being there.

2004-03-23T22:32:00.000-05:00

Did my normal peer support group tonight. Last week was not bad. I even told my counselor Monday afternoon that I couldn't understand why the grief decided to take the back seat for awhile. I mentioned that I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Well, it dropped last night. I was overcome with it in the supermarket. I cancelled out of the men's group on Monday night because I was too down and depressed. At least I made the one tonight. Cried a good portion of the way there, and part of the way home. This week is definitely turning out to be a bad one.

2004-03-20T22:29:00.000-05:00

I had dinner tonight with one of the guys from my group. We had talked during the week and thought it'd be nice to have dinner in Philly. It was an interesting conversation during the week. I think it lasted almost 3 hours. Neither of us had any idea that we were on the phone for that long! There's definitely a connection between us... we can talk to each other pretty openly. I haven't felt that way with someone else in a long time. Well, Scott and I were always able to talk, but now it's pretty much a one-way dialog. So I met up with "Jim" (I don't want to use his real name because he's in my support group, and we're not supposed to divulge anything that happens in the group to anyone else, and I'm not sure that includes names too, let alone on an internet site) for dinner and we had a great time. He's such a nice guy, so easy to talk to, and in so much pain (like me). He's also pretty sexy, but I don't think it would be a good idea to even think about that at the moment. Even if there was a mutual attraction between us, I'm not sure it would be wise to follow through on it. I mean, how do you start caring for someone when you're still in love with someone else? That's the hardest thing about losing your partner... the emotions are still there. I still love him so fuckin' much it hurts! Thankfully, Jim is a really great guy and I'm positive he'll at least be an incredible friend!

I missed my turnoff leaving Philly tonight on the way home. Conflicting emotions must be really distracting me. I can't remember ever missing Race Street in Philadelphia.

2004-03-15T22:13:00.000-05:00

Been a while again. But the emotional rollercoaster has been pretty difficult. You have a good day, then lots of bad ones, then maybe two good days, then lots of bad ones. It's pretty difficult.

I had my first real grief recovery support group tonight. It was recommended to me to call the Samaritan Hospice in Marlton, NJ to check out their support groups. They didn't have one at the moment, but the guy they referred me to was so sweet. He said he may be able to find a couple other people and put together a brand new group. Well, he found two other people, so there's the three of us widowers and Ted, the counselor. The two other guys were so nice, and I felt so bad for them. One lost his partner a couple weeks before I lost Scott, and the other had lost his only within the last couple weeks. We all hit it off extremely well, and we all think the group is going to be a very positive thing for us. We even hung outside after it was over and talked for a bit more after the counselor left. We thought it'd be a good idea to maybe even go out sometimes for dinner or something. Knowing that we're all in the same boat, I think we all have a lot we can offer each other. There's things that, when said, you know the other person understands. And then there's things that don't even need to be said.

Driving home that night, I started feeling a lot better.

2004-03-02T18:28:00.000-05:00

It's been a while. I know. This fuckin' rollercoaster is killing me! I've been having some good days here and there. When I'm lucky, I get them back-to-back. The Saturday before last, I went into Philly with a friend, Randy, and it was OK. I enjoyed watching everyone, even if I didn't feel like engaging in conversation. This past Saturday, I went with Stu and Janet over to Jack and Wendy's house. We.... ... there I go again. "We". Like there's really a "we" now. I hadn't seen them in soooo long. We used to work with them, and we lost touch for a while there. They came to the funeral. God Bless Stu and Janet for letting them know about it. They decided we can't lose touch anymore, and I agree. We had a nice time. Jack's a pretty damn good cook! It still wasn't the same though. I was with all of my friends, and I felt ... alone.

This is so hard, I can't even being to describe it. I have these good days, and then I just want to curl up into a ball and die. Today, I'm missing Scott a lot. A real lot! I got the autopsy result back last Tuesday. It was a heart attack! My baby had a heart attack, and I had stepped away and wasn't there for him! That just kills me! I can't keep the tears from coming out while I type this.

Every day, I tell him that I love him and miss him and want to see him again. Maybe one day, he'll answer.

2004-02-19T13:22:00.000-05:00

Why did you leave me?
Why did you go?

Was it something I said?
If it was something I said, I would take back the words.
I would write them all down
and burn them to ash
so they could never hurt you again.
So why did you leave me?

Was it something I did?
If it was something I did, I would spend all my life
working to undo those things that I did.
I would spend all my time finding out ways
to make up for the pain that caused you to go.
So why did you leave me?

Did you not love me?
I know it's not true.
You told me each day.
You told me with words, and actions and looks.
You spoke with your heart, and I knew it was true.
So why did you leave me?

Did you think I don't love you?
I know that can't be.
I told you "I love you" with all of my soul.
I told you in ways to leave not a doubt.
I told you and saw that you knew it was true.

So why did you leave me
and take part of me with you?

2004-02-17T10:03:00.000-05:00

Well, I made it through Valentine's Day weekend. I felt much better during the week (as per my last entry), and had high hopes for the weekend. But true to form, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday were pretty depressing.

Friday, my friend Stu talked me into going with him and his son to see a heavy metal guitar player who was playing a few pieces and giving a talk at a local music store. It was OK. Heavy Metal is not my thing though. His name was "Metal" Mike. It was OK, but getting back home, I started to feel depressed again. Saturday and Sunday were pretty depressing, but still much better than last week (Man, that was scarey!). By Monday night, I was doing OK again. Well, mainly OK. I went up to add a blog entry last night and just spontaneously broke down at the keyboard. I understand there will be a lot of those moments. Overall though, I'm healing.

I picked up a nice picture frame and printed out a pretty nice pic I took of us with another couple during vacation. I'm not much for taking pictures. That really makes me sad right now, as I don't have very many pictures of Scott. But I guess no matter how many I have, I'd always want more. This week, I think I'll work on getting together all of the pictures that I have and put them into an album or something. I've been visiting Snapfish.com, and you can upload digital pictures and make all kinds of things from them. I think I'll put together a memory book and order a bunch of copies for some close friends. That's it for now...

2004-02-12T20:35:00.000-05:00

I waited too long to update my blog. Maybe I was afraid of tempting fate. I felt much better this week, and maybe subconsciously didn't want to do anything that would change that.

Sunday night, after posting my last blog entry, I poked around on the computer a bit, and just couldn't stand it any more. I went into the bedroom, layed on the bed, hugged Scott's pillows, and cried my eyes out. I was in the middle of a really good cry, and then..... it stopped. I felt like a water jug that finally emptied out. There was just nothing left in there. I wiped off my face, sat for a bit, and then went back onto the computer feeling much better. I almost said "normal", but I'm still not anywhere near that. I remember what "normal" feels like. It seems like soooo long ago. It almost seems like a lifetime that I've been without Scott. Actually, it is. My old life ended when he died. This is my new life now. I gotta tell you though, it's a horrible horrible way to start off a new life.

I still feel empty. I can watch some TV and movies and laugh, but the enjoyment is incredibly temporary. Afterwards, the emptiness comes back. I still feel lost and confused and .... helpless. That's the word. Helpless. I know he's somewhere right now. I really believe that your consciousness goes on. But he's there and I'm here, and I can't do a fuckin' thing to change anything! Everthing I read says prayer helps, so that's what I'm doing. Every night. I hope it's making some kind of difference somewhere!

Nothing much happened this week. We have off of work today and Monday, so I took off Friday to make a long weekend. I'm not sure why, I don't have anything to really do. Motivation is not there. I'll have lunch with Johnathon and Rocky and Philly tomorrow, but I'll be home by late afternoon. I'm expecting the distribution check for Scott's 401K from his last job. He left me beneficiary. It's only about 10K, but it'll give me a LOT of breathing space with my bills. I got paid yesterday, and I have more bills do right now than I have money! That check will give me many months of leeway and ease my mind some.

I'm starting to seriously think about the future now. I have a whole life ahead of me, nobody to share it with, and not a single plan. I realized now that I've been wasting my life away. It's so easy when you're in a relationship to just forget to do anything meaningful. I felt good taking care of Scott. Now I'm thinking I don't want to just waste away my time. I was toying around with what I could possibly do, but I'm still not sure yet. I won't make up my mind about anything until many more months. My emotions are too messed up at the moment. What came to mind was maybe getting certified for grief counseling. Knowing how devastating grief is, I really would like to be able to help other people that are going through it. It's just a thought, I'll have to see how I feel about it months from now.

2004-02-08T21:49:00.000-05:00

I fucking hate this. I'm so fucking miserable, I almost wish I would just die. Every fucking day is just nothing but pain and anguish, from the moment I wake up until the moment I fall asleep. I CAN'T FUCKING TAKE THIS!!! I want Scott back so bad that it hurts. It fucking hurts like nothing I've ever felt before!

I drove Mom up to North NJ to see my bro and his family yesterday. They were in Applebee's getting something to eat, so we joined them. Well, Mom joined them. I just couldn't do it. I went back out to the car and just sat there crying. After they came out, they wanted to stop in some stores nearby. I walked through the stores, empty inside, and just tried to preoccupy myself with looking at the stuff. When we got out to the cars, I had Mom go with them because I just couldn't do it. I drove to a far corner in the lot, parked the car, and started screaming out "WHERE ARE YOU?!?" I stayed there for over half an hour. I talked to my sister-in-laws, and they could tell I was in no shape to be around them. That's all I need is to break down in front of the kids and scare them!

So I drove back home. I was truly alone. I hadn't felt that alone since the day it happened, and I was at my friends' house without them there. I've felt totally alone since this happened, but last night, there wasn't even Mom in the house. I said a whole bunch of prayers and just fell asleep. So today I did manage to get my act together enough to go and have lunch with them. But I doubt I said a dozen words the whole time. I just fucking hate this.

When we got back, I started putting together stuff to send to the accountant so she could do our taxes. Oh God! This is so fucking awful! Why can't I accept this?! I feel as bad now as I ever did. I couldn't figure out what stuff she was supposed to get. I wasn't sure if I had everything. I'd never done that stuff before, Scott always did. So I worked in his office, barely able to see anything because my eyes were all blurry from crying. I still think I should have more things to send. Don't you need some kind of statement that shows how many taxes you paid? Isn't the Unemployment Bureau supposed to send you a statement? I DON'T FUCKING KNOW!!!

I hurt too much right now to type any more. I'm just going to lay down and cry for a bit and then try to find something to waste an hour or two before I go to sleep. That's all I'm ever really doing any more... just crying and wasting the hours so I can go to sleep, and maybe hope that the next day will be a little better.

But it never is.

2004-02-07T12:22:00.000-05:00

Last night was not easy. As a matter of fact, it was brutally hard. I don't know what it is about Friday nights, but they hit me hard every time!

I picked up a pizza on the way home from work. Mom and I ate some and watched some TV. I then decided to go upstairs for a bit and pray a little and work on Scott's memorial web page. My two friends were supposed to stop over after they went out for dinner, and I wanted to get a few things out of the way before they showed up. I could feel grief building up in me, and I thought I should let it out. I prayed, and then started on the web page.

That was when I couldn't keep from crying any more. You should never have to preface anything about the person you love most with "In Loving Memory." I couldn't believe I was doing it. It drove it all home and I became a complete and hopeless mess. Then my friends showed up. It took me quite a while before I could go down to greet them. And even then, it took longer before I was able to smile and joke around a little bit.

This roller coaster ride is awful. I can feel relatively OK one minute, and then the next be in total pain and loneliness. I hate the idea that I'm alone in this world now, with nobody to share my life with. When I would get sick, Scott would be nurturing and make dinner and comfort me. When I would get a panic attack in the middle of the night, I'd just have to reach over and feel Scott asleep next to me and I'd instantly feel calm again. If I felt lonely, I just had to think of him and I'd pick right back up again. He was always there for me and gave me the strength everyone needs to make it through life.

Now he's gone, and I'm alone. I only get regular calls from my one friend (God bless Cheryl and Bill. They've been so great), and all other calls from everyone else are sporadic. I'm not complaining I guess. Everyone has full and active lives and I don't expect anybody to be able to babysit me all the time. I'm surprised Cheryl calls as often as she does. But I'm thankful! The world is going on without me, everybody has their partners with them, and I feel like I'm totally alone and stuck in one spot. What's that verse from the Jethro Tull song?

"Did you ever get the feeling
that the story's too damn real
and in the present tense?
Or that everybody's on the stage,
and it seems like you're the only person
sitting in the audience?"

2004-02-05T23:27:00.000-05:00

I took a rest from updating my blog. Even tonight, I'm pretty drained, but forcing myself to do it. I don't want to get in the habit of not posting.

I took off work yesterday. I guess I didn't sleep well, or went to bed too late, because I woke up feeling totally drained and feeling crappy. I prayed in the morning before I left the house. I thanked God for all that is good in the world. I know nothing seems good right now, but I have to be honest..... there's a lot of good things in the world. Just the fact that He made us is pretty darned neat. So I thanked him. Then I prayed for my soul, and I prayed for Scott. I asked God that if Scott is troubled right now, to help him find peace. I begged Him to help Scott wherever he is so he could be closer to Him. I also asked to please give me some kind of indication that my prayers are being heard.

I then went into work only long enough to pick up some papers I left there that I needed. I stopped off at the bank to try to open an estate account, but that didn't go too well. It turns out I needed a taxpayer ID number, and I had no idea how to get one. So I was thinking it would be another expensive visit to the lawyer.

Leaving the bank, I was about to get into my car, and this woman was getting out of her car next to me. She called over to me, so I paused. She approached, wished me a nice day, and handed me a small booklet. She was a Jehovah's Witness. The booklet was titled "What happens to us when we die?" I felt remarkably uplifted. I smiled. I looked at her and smiled again. I thanked her for the book, she wished me a nice day, and then headed off to the other side of the bank where the street corner was to start handing out more. I held the book and just kept smiling. I thought "Well, I wanted some kind of sign. If this isn't one, I don't know what is!" So I felt better. That lasted most of the day. I suddenly broke down in Scott's home office, but I think that's OK. I do miss him after all.

Well, I did well most of today. I'm feeling pretty depressed now. I just miss him so much, and I still want to be sure he's OK. I'm starting to get a picture in my head as to what the afterlife is like. You see, I think Heaven or Hell is what we make it to be. I read that when you pass over, the "judgement" that is given you is really that your life is exposed to you. You gain truth and understanding, and you see all the things you've done and all the things you should have done. You then willingly take your proper place in Heaven. People of a higher spiritual nature (think of Mother Theresa) are closer to God and experience Him more intensely. People who are bad don't feel worthy of being close and willingly move further away. People who are truely awful and despondant.... well.... they create their own environment around them. Everyone has the capability of growing and learning and moving closer to God. You just have to be willing to accept the wrong you've done, which can be painful for some people if you've done really bad things. Nevertheless, there's other souls who try to help the ones at the lower levels to grow spiritually. So that's what I was praying for. I want to know that Scott is not being stubborn and obstinate and and depressed (he was very depressed before he died. The vacation was the only thing that made him feel good), and denying himself something good because he feels guilty. It's a serious concern of mine because I know how Scott is. So I'm praying for him and praying that people there will help him grow. And I'm also praying for an ADC.

From the books I've been reading, an ADC is "After Death Communication". It's when a person who has died has contacted you in one of several different ways. Apparently, it happens quite frequently. It could be the smell of a perfume or cologne your loved one wore, or the sensation that they're hugging you, or their voice. And occasionally, you can actually see them. They come to offer comfort and advice to their loved ones here. Apparently, when you're in Heaven, Earth isn't necessarily off-limits. I'm reading a book now telling all about them with excerpts from people who have had them. It's really reassuring. I know you may be thinking "That's a bunch of bunk." I don't care. It makes sense to me,and it gives me comfort, and it doesn't go against anything I believe in anyway. So I'm hoping for one. The only drawback is that sometimes you don't get them for a looooong time, if you get them at all! I'm going to keep praying though, since that can never hurt.

Well, I'm feeling very lonely and depressed right now. I'm going to say a few prayers, read myself to sleep, and hope against hope that tomorrow is better.

2004-02-03T23:34:00.000-05:00

I met my counselor tonight and went to a support group. I'm actually feeling better at the moment! I addressed some new issues with my counselor. I told him how it's getting difficult because as every day passes, I miss Scott more and more, and that I feel every day is just something I have to endure before I can go to sleep again. He was supportive as usual. I really like him. I'm thinking of asking him if he'll accept me for regular monthly sessions once I'm past my crisis.

The peer support group was good too. There were only two people there: a counselor and one attendee. It turns out that everyone else that's a regular had to go to some event tonight. I got the times mixed up, and showed up late for what I thought was a 7:30 meeting. It turns out the meetings start at 7:00, so I was really late! But it was nice meeting two new people and talking to them. I should note that the support group is not for grief in particular, but is just a support group for gay men and women. I felt I needed to be around some peers.

After the group, I went back to the GROWW Widowed chat room and worked at giving support to a new member there. So sad! His wife died just 5 days ago. I really feel for him because I know how I felt that early on in my grief. It's still almost unbearable, but back then, it was just numbingly horrible. I know I say "almost unbearable", but I'd rather just say "unbearable". Yet I still seem to bear it no matter how hard it gets. I have no choice.

I'm going to open up my spiritual side. I've started praying again. I'm praying to God, giving him thanks for my life and all that is wonderful in the world, and I'm praying for Scott too. Perhaps the hardest part of this grief is that I feel I really lost Scott. My own personal spiritual side tells me that there's something more beyond death, but when Scott died, all I feel is his absence right now. That raised a lot of doubts in my mind and is adding to my grief. I'm praying to God now to get my faith back and to help Scott. I'm starting to believe that in the afterlife, you create your own Heaven or Hell. I don't think anything is perpetual, and you can move closer to God over time no matter how bad you've been. But also that it helps to have people praying for you. Maybe, with prayer, others on the other side will help the person you're praying for and speed up his moving closer to God. In any case, I've ignored my spiritual side for too long and will now take some action to remedy it.

2004-02-02T21:09:00.000-05:00

The mind can be a truly interesting (and frightening) thing. My depression lasted through Sunday. I sat downstairs Sunday morning having my tea and still feeling thoroughly depressed. After a bit, I started sobbing and crying. My mom was understanding and gave me some space. There really wasn't anything to say. She knew I was grieving and that it was unavoidable. So I sat and sobbed and felt like crap all day long. My sister showed up for a little bit in the evening, and I felt a bit better after seeing her. Being around people and chatting helps distract me. I still felt depressed, but at least I lost the urge to cry for a bit.

I got up extra early this morning (still depressed) and headed to Long Branch to help set up for our convention. It was pretty rough. I was thoroughly depressed, and there wasn't enough to keep me busy. The urge to cry kept surfacing continually until around 3:30 or so. I overheard someone telling someone else that they just had a therapeutic massage. I then remembered that when I had one last, it was on the last day I was with Scott. I had the massage, met Scott for dinner, and we went out afterwards. I still remember it vividly. I can see him sitting across from me. I can hear him talking and laughing. I can feel him as I hugged at the bar. I felt so incredibly sad when I thought of those things, I had to leave the room because I was afraid I'd break down crying in front of everyone. What a horrible morning and afternoon!

Then, for some reason or another, the depression eased off a little. I'm home now, and feeling a lot more upbeat than I've been feeling since last Tuesday night when I originally slipped down. But that's what scares me. Last Tuesday, I felt pretty good all day. It's like I started coping with my loss and felt like I would actually be OK in the long run. But then I had that horrible flashback, totally broke down, and stayed in the dumps until tonight. So here I am again, feeling upbeat, and just wondering if when I slip into my depression again, it'll be so horribly thorough and bleak and seemingly unending.

Bleak. If there's one word that can totally sum up what it's like to be in the bowels of depression, it's "bleak". hahahaha! For such a horrible word, I still can't bring myself to use it without thinking of that wonderful line from Auntie Mame. "How bleak was my puberty!" Mine and Scott's favorite movie! I think in his honor, I'll throw an Auntie Mame party when I feel better. I know a few gay people who have never seen the movie yet. Just like Scott turned me onto it, I'll turn them onto it.

I think he would/will really like it.

2004-01-31T22:14:00.000-05:00

Grieving for someone is like being on a rollercoaster. Ask anyone who has gone through it. After the initial shock and some time has passed, you start having some good moments. Moments and periods where you feel in control of your life and you can see a future for yourself. Then, in a frighteningly short period of time, you swing back down again and the pain returns.

I met Tom and Candace last night for dinner. I got there a bit early and sat in the bar and had a beer. They were running late, and I was left alone with my thoughts. The place was packed and full of people laughing and unwinding after a full work week. Funny though, as full as the place was, I was totally alone. I sat at the bar grieving, hanging on by a thread, fighting back the tears (and not doing a good job at it), but I may as well have been alone. I don't think a single person in that place noticed me. Tom and Candace finally showed up, and it was so good to see them, I picked up a bit. Had a nice dinner and went back to their place for a bit to hang out with them and their kids. The entire time though, the pain was there. I learned how to push it down and ignore it so that I can be around people, but when I'm alone, I let it surface again. I loved Scott so much, I'm not going to deny that love by ignore the pain of his absence.

I went to the Saturn dealer today. When I was pulling the car out last night, I wasn't paying enough attention and took off the right side-view mirror. I was too close to the garage door. So off I went to the Saturn dealer to order a new one (I have to have the car in good shape for when his brother claims it). I took a brief look at the Ions and their SUV. I'll need a car once the estate is settled and the insurance policies come in. I have that little two-seater, but it's too impractical for everyday use. Maybe I'll treat myself to one of the SUVs if I can afford it.

Gary came by as promised and we saw "Along Came Polly". A cute movie, nothing great though. Still, it cheered me up a bit. We sat back at the house and watched some TV and joked around a bit. He just left, and I'm feeling depressed again. The constant desire to cry is VERY hard to accept. It's like I'm yearning for something I can never ever have. I get this feeling like I'm waiting for an answer. It's so hard to describe, but that's probably just as good a description as any. It's like you're waiting for answers, but you don't know the questions. You can't stay where you are, but it's so hard to move on. Nor are you sure if you even want to move on! I can easily see now how some people pine away their lives in grief. I don't want to do that! But I want Scott in my life! I want him so bad it hurts! Emotionally, I stilll haven't accepted that he's not going to be a part of my life any more. I just wish I knew where he was now, and if I'll ever see him again.

Maybe that's the question.

2004-01-29T22:58:00.000-05:00

Today was a definite improvement so far. I can't say at all that I was happy. I think happiness is a very long way off. But I can say that I had some good moments. Yeah, there were a lot of sad moments too. Lots of moments with tears in my eyes, shaking my head, and muttering "Oh Scott!". But I was able to go on in spite of it all, and I had some really nice conversations with friends. I spoke with Scott's friend David for a bit, and we had a very long and very nice conversation. And it felt damn good! And then I chatted with our friend Bill for a bit. And that was damn good too! So even though my life was destroyed, I know that I'll eventually heal.

Was my life "destroyed"? Absolutely! Sure, I'm still alive. But life is more than just living. My life was totally defined as being one half of a couple. For over half of my life, Scott was there. We were a team! 90% of everything I did included Scott in some way. When he died, all of that was ripped away from me. Everything! Yeah, I'll go on living. And yes, I'll be happy again at some point. But my life from January 3rd, 2004 and on will never be the same, nor will it be like anything we had planned. Because before, it was definitely something that "we" had planned.

I felt incredibly sad a little while ago. But after talking to the people in the chat room, I realize that we all have it hard. Some of us have it harder than others. Yet we all just keep going on and find new forms of happiness. I'm feeling a bit better now after talking to all of my friends and chat buddies, so I'll end it on a high note, tune into the Tivo for a little while, and then get some sleep. After all, I actually have some plans for the weekend!

2004-01-28T20:32:00.000-05:00

Finally, some bright points in this hellish experience. Unless my friend can't make it (and I'm pretty sure he'll do everything he could to make it), he'll be coming over on Saturday. Another couple we're friends with called and want me to join them for dinner on Friday night. They're just the sweetest couple and have the greatest kids! I really hope I'm physically up for it because I'd love to see them again. And then my sister called and wants to stop over for a visit on Sunday.

All of a sudden, my weekend is full! Up to this point, I've been hanging around in the house with nowhere to go or nobody to be with. When you're part of a couple, and you lose your partner, the house just seems so empty and lonely. The fact that this winter it's been abysmally cold hasn't helped either.... who wants to go out when it's like only 10 degrees out there. So I've been sititng home getting depressed. At least I can look forward to a break from this depressing routine and maybe have a good time. Lord knows, I need one.

2004-01-28T18:11:00.000-05:00

Is it possible to get stricken with clinical depression when you're grieving? It's something I have to consider. Last night, my mind became my worst enemy. For the first couple of weeks after I lost Scott, I would flash back to the event and relive those moments of finding him. They were horrible, horrible experiences. It was devastating going through it once, reliving it tore me apart and would leave me shaking. But the flashbacks started easing off a bit. They wouldn't happen as frequently, and eventually lost some (not all) of their emotional impact.

But last night was different. I was sitting at the computer, and I let my mind wander. I didn't even really realize that I was thinking about that night until I was fully in the grip of a vision. Last night, I didn't flash back and relive what I had gone through, I played back what Scott went through. I didn't even see what he went through, but my mind must have some thoughts about what happened, because suddenly I was watching him trying to get out of the tub, struggling in the water, realizing he's in trouble, thinking I'm just 30 feet away. There was more, but I can't type it here. I have to stop now while I could.

When I managed to wrest control of myself from the thoughts, I was devastated again. The tears were uncontrollable and would not stop. Even after my mom came in and consoled me, the rest of the night I felt and urge to just break down again.

Which makes me wonder if I'm suffering from clinical depression. Today was different than any of the other days. I normally wake up and feel rested to a certain extent. I'm by no means happy, but at least I'm rested and can fully function for a portion of the day. But this morning, I felt .... drained? Physically depressed? Almost the entire day was a tiring experience that I had no energy for. The urge to cry was always present, and life seems like some giant obstacle I somehow have to get around. The only bright point was I called my friend, and he's going to try to arrange it to come over on Saturday to spend some time with me and take me to the movies. I actually got excited at the thought! It was short-lived, but I'm really looking forward to it. I hope he can arrange his schedule to come.

2004-01-27T21:55:00.000-05:00

I laughed a couple of times today in spite of the pain. It felt really good. Unbelievably good. Well, for a little while anyway. I'm usually a bit of a clown. I love joking around and laughing. I would always tease Scott and try to make him laugh. But now, there's nobody really here to share jokes with. My mom's here, but I'm not sure she appreciates my sense of humor.

I remember when Scott and I first went to a Trenton Titans game (our local minor-league hockey team). It was the first time we ever watched hockey. The 2nd period started, and the two teams switched sides. Not knowing hockey at all, I got confused for just a minute or two until I realized that that must be one of the things about hockey. So I turned to Scott and said (with a very straight face) "Look! It's the 2nd period, so they trade uniforms!" He looked out over the ice for a moment, nodded, started scanning over the players, and turned back to me. I had that smirk on my face that I always have when I pull one over on him. He threw his popcorn at me then. LOL!!!

That was so great! It was those little moments when we worked so well together. We knew each other so well, I knew exactly what I could get away with making him believe (if only for a few moments), and he knew exactly when I was teasing him. It was a challenge then to be able to word something so perfectly and deliver it with such a straight face that the ridiculous would seem totally plausible and believable. We would laugh over things like that.

I laugh when I think of those times, but then I'll start crying again. I've lost so much! I would say that it's unbearable, except that I have to bear it! And every time I do bear it, I wonder if I can keep bearing it any longer.

2004-01-26T23:00:00.000-05:00

After doing some searching on the 'net, I realized that very few grief support groups are publicized on the Internet. I wound up calling the Gay and Lesbian Community Center in NJ and looked at the various peer support groups they offered. I left a message with them through their web site, and they just called me back tonight. It's nice to know that when you're in need, your own community is quick to respond.

There are two different support groups that would probably benefit me. One is a general peer support group consisting of men, the other is a support group of men and women. Both can offer support with dealing with loss. I think it'll be good to be around my peers. The emotion of grief is universal, and realistically, any support group of people grieving can help each other, but it may not work out that way in practice. My counselor told me of a support group, but it's advertised as "Catholic men and women who are widowed". Well, I'm Catholic, but I'm also gay. I'd be really nervous telling people in that group about me losing my partner. I'd be afraid that they wouldn't put much value on our relationship and make me feel even worse. So for now, I'll be very picky about which groups I attend. The mixed group meets tonight, but we're also predicting a lot of snow and freezing rain throughout the day, so I'm pretty sure it'll be cancelled and won't even try to attend. My little two-seater doesn't handle well on slick roads, and I still can't drive the Saturn yet because I don't have control of the estate (the Saturn is in Scott's name).

I was going to go to the men's support group tonight, but my counselor called and asked if I could switch my meeting to tonight. I felt it would be better to meet with my counselor so I put off going to the men's group. They meet twice a month... I'll just have to wait it out. My counselor is good. I like him. He's easy to talk to (considering the topic I'm discussing is difficult). I brought up something that really kind of surprised me. I said I wanted to move forward, but still bring my relationship with Scott with me. I know it sounds weird, but hear me out. We were together almost 24 years. I'm not going to leave it all behind. I want my relationship, and Scott, to be a part of me as I move forward. I want to feel that he's a part of me. I just don't know how the hell to do it! How do you move on after someone's death and still bring him with you? I want to leave the grief and pain behind, but still have him and my relationship as a part of me.

I think I'm ready to try.

2004-01-25T19:15:00.000-05:00

Talk about being blindsided!

I was putting it off, but decided I finally had to fill out the acknowledgement cards to send out to all the people who sent flowers and baskets to the house and the funeral home. The funeral home had taken all of the cards from the arrangements and put them in an envelope for me so I had something to reference. They also supplied me with the acknowledgement cards and envelopes. Man, they think of everything! I pulled the cards out one by one and wrote out the "thank you"s. I pulled one card out with unfamiliar handwriting on it (they were all unfamiliar of course because the florist filled them out), and the card was a simple "With great sympathy" or something on it. It was signed "Bobby".

I looked at that card for several seconds wondering who the heck sent that! Then it came rushing back to me. I did. It was the card from the main arrangement on the casket. Being the "spouse", I was the one who supplied the casket arrangement. The memories of actually calling the florist and doing that came rushing back. I was instantly weeping uncontrollably and incapable of going any further.

Those things were so hard. As hard as everything is when you bury your partner, some things just shoot right past your defenses and stab you in the heart. Picking out the casket, buying the flowers for the casket, making up the memorial card. These things force your mind to accept the fact that your soulmate is gone, and the mind rebels.

2004-01-24T23:00:00.000-05:00

How much hurt can a human being take?

This is where it really starts. Every entry before this one was done from memory. It's only now that I started this journal and am gradually filling in a few special dates preceding this one. I'm not sure why I'm doing this. Maybe I want some kind of public record declaring how much I cared for Scott. Maybe I want to be able to better understand the overwhelming grief I'm experiencing. Maybe I just want to share with people. But I'm starting this journal and going to use it to document my (hopefully successful) road to recovery.

Scott and I were together just over 23 and a half years. He loved it when people would ask how long we were together, and since we were less than 6 months from being together 24 years, he was so happy to be able to just say "24".

We were on vacation in Key West. It was a Friday night, and we were out drinking. I had a buzz on, but not too much. I believe Scott was depressed over the last year or two, and he "overindulged" and got really drunk. But he's done it before, and I've worried about him before, and he always managed to be OK. Sometimes though, I would have to step in and make sure he didn't get hurt. There were so many times he'd go out to the pool at the resort we were staying at, and I'd get worried because I was afraid he'd slip and hurt himself and drown. So I'd keep checking on him, and he'd get a bit upset with me that I was constantly checking on him, so he'd come in the room. That night, we were sitting in the hot tub outside, and I went inside for a bit. I wanted to check on him, but told myself that he's only sitting in that small hot tub and he's OK. But after 20 minutes or so, I figured I should go out.

My life was destroyed at that point. He was floating face down in the tub. I still don't know what happened. I don't know if he had an attack of some sort, slipped trying to get out and just had a horrible accident.... I just don't know. I won't know until the autopsy comes in. And as much as I have to see it, the thought of it terrifies me.

I jumped in screaming his name, gently turned him over, then dragged him out of the tub. I rolled him onto his belly and lifted him by the waist a little to try to get the water out of him. I pounded on his chest and breathed into him. He gave two little coughs, but wasn't responding much. I then tried to call the paramedics (who were already on their way). I was starting to lose it. The paramedics showed up and tried to revive him, but I watched him slip away from me. He was formally pronounced dead at the hospital, and my life was totally destroyed.

I had moved in with him when I was 21. I'm now 44. My entire adult life was with him. From where I'm standing now, there is NO future. At least, that's how I feel emotionally. Logically, I think I'll eventually recover and settle in with someone else. But emotionally? I can't ever picture being happy.

They say losing someone you love hurts. If you haven't lost a spouse or partner, you have no idea how much it hurts. It really fuckin' hurts so bad that you can't believe a human being can endure such pain. I hurt mentally. I hurt emotionally. And I even hurt physically! Unrelenting. Persistant. There are no options open to me, no roads to take, no shining light in the distance to strive for.

But a small part of me knows better. My damn logic again! I bought "The Grief Recovery Handbook" and will see if that can help me work my way through this grief. I took some Xanax, and will read the book a little while now until I'm so sleepy that I can't keep my eyes open.

I've got lots to do tomorrow, so I'll end it here for tonight.

2004-01-08T17:00:00.000-05:00

Scott's Funeral
It was the most exhausting thing I've ever done. Scott's brother (Walter) and niece and nephew (Debbie and Doug) had come in for the services. Along with them and my mother, i went to the funeral home that day around 1:30 so we could see him before the services. When we got there, I told everyone that I wanted to be alone with Scott for a little bit first, and they all understood.

That was so fuckin' hard! I broke down there and talked to him a bit, telling him how sorry I was that I wasn't good enough to save him. I kneeled in front of him for a few minutes, then called the rest of the family in. There were quite a few tears there as they hadn't seen him yet. I had seen him already when he had passed in the hospital. He looked a lot better in the funeral home than he did in the hospital.

Services were at 5PM. I went there a half-hour early so I could be alone with him. I told him everything that transpired that night, and all I did to try to help him. It eased my mind quite a bit, and it let me dump out a lot of emotions so I was able to hold it together for the services.

The services lasted three hours, and I was overwhelmed with how many people showed up. Every one of my 100 remembrance cards I printed were taken by the guests. It was exhausting.

The hardest part ever though was when it was over. I stayed behind so I could be the last one to be with him, and to be with him alone. I had to say my final goodbyes. It was gut-wrentching. Saying goodbye the final time to the one you love most is the hardest thing you could ever do. But I did it.
After the services, we all went back to my house (just a few doors down the street) and had food and drink. Well, I only had food. It was sad in a way. Almost every person Scott would have liked to have seen was there that night. It would've been a fun party for him! When the final people left at 11 though, I was pretty much wiped out.

2004-01-03T06:00:00.000-05:00

Scott died in Lower Keys Hospital, Key West, FL.

We were at the end of a long vacation we took after being together almost 24 years.