Grief Recovery

Why did you leave me?
Why did you go?

Was it something I said?
If it was something I said, I would take back the words.
I would write them all down
and burn them to ash
so they could never hurt you again.
So why did you leave me?

Was it something I did?
If it was something I did, I would spend all my life
working to undo those things that I did.
I would spend all my time finding out ways
to make up for the pain that caused you to go.
So why did you leave me?

Did you not love me?
I know it's not true.
You told me each day.
You told me with words, and actions and looks.
You spoke with your heart, and I knew it was true.
So why did you leave me?

Did you think I don't love you?
I know that can't be.
I told you "I love you" with all of my soul.
I told you in ways to leave not a doubt.
I told you and saw that you knew it was true.

So why did you leave me
and take part of me with you?

Well, I made it through Valentine's Day weekend. I felt much better during the week (as per my last entry), and had high hopes for the weekend. But true to form, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday were pretty depressing.

Friday, my friend Stu talked me into going with him and his son to see a heavy metal guitar player who was playing a few pieces and giving a talk at a local music store. It was OK. Heavy Metal is not my thing though. His name was "Metal" Mike. It was OK, but getting back home, I started to feel depressed again. Saturday and Sunday were pretty depressing, but still much better than last week (Man, that was scarey!). By Monday night, I was doing OK again. Well, mainly OK. I went up to add a blog entry last night and just spontaneously broke down at the keyboard. I understand there will be a lot of those moments. Overall though, I'm healing.

I picked up a nice picture frame and printed out a pretty nice pic I took of us with another couple during vacation. I'm not much for taking pictures. That really makes me sad right now, as I don't have very many pictures of Scott. But I guess no matter how many I have, I'd always want more. This week, I think I'll work on getting together all of the pictures that I have and put them into an album or something. I've been visiting Snapfish.com, and you can upload digital pictures and make all kinds of things from them. I think I'll put together a memory book and order a bunch of copies for some close friends. That's it for now...

I waited too long to update my blog. Maybe I was afraid of tempting fate. I felt much better this week, and maybe subconsciously didn't want to do anything that would change that.

Sunday night, after posting my last blog entry, I poked around on the computer a bit, and just couldn't stand it any more. I went into the bedroom, layed on the bed, hugged Scott's pillows, and cried my eyes out. I was in the middle of a really good cry, and then..... it stopped. I felt like a water jug that finally emptied out. There was just nothing left in there. I wiped off my face, sat for a bit, and then went back onto the computer feeling much better. I almost said "normal", but I'm still not anywhere near that. I remember what "normal" feels like. It seems like soooo long ago. It almost seems like a lifetime that I've been without Scott. Actually, it is. My old life ended when he died. This is my new life now. I gotta tell you though, it's a horrible horrible way to start off a new life.

I still feel empty. I can watch some TV and movies and laugh, but the enjoyment is incredibly temporary. Afterwards, the emptiness comes back. I still feel lost and confused and .... helpless. That's the word. Helpless. I know he's somewhere right now. I really believe that your consciousness goes on. But he's there and I'm here, and I can't do a fuckin' thing to change anything! Everthing I read says prayer helps, so that's what I'm doing. Every night. I hope it's making some kind of difference somewhere!

Nothing much happened this week. We have off of work today and Monday, so I took off Friday to make a long weekend. I'm not sure why, I don't have anything to really do. Motivation is not there. I'll have lunch with Johnathon and Rocky and Philly tomorrow, but I'll be home by late afternoon. I'm expecting the distribution check for Scott's 401K from his last job. He left me beneficiary. It's only about 10K, but it'll give me a LOT of breathing space with my bills. I got paid yesterday, and I have more bills do right now than I have money! That check will give me many months of leeway and ease my mind some.

I'm starting to seriously think about the future now. I have a whole life ahead of me, nobody to share it with, and not a single plan. I realized now that I've been wasting my life away. It's so easy when you're in a relationship to just forget to do anything meaningful. I felt good taking care of Scott. Now I'm thinking I don't want to just waste away my time. I was toying around with what I could possibly do, but I'm still not sure yet. I won't make up my mind about anything until many more months. My emotions are too messed up at the moment. What came to mind was maybe getting certified for grief counseling. Knowing how devastating grief is, I really would like to be able to help other people that are going through it. It's just a thought, I'll have to see how I feel about it months from now.

I fucking hate this. I'm so fucking miserable, I almost wish I would just die. Every fucking day is just nothing but pain and anguish, from the moment I wake up until the moment I fall asleep. I CAN'T FUCKING TAKE THIS!!! I want Scott back so bad that it hurts. It fucking hurts like nothing I've ever felt before!

I drove Mom up to North NJ to see my bro and his family yesterday. They were in Applebee's getting something to eat, so we joined them. Well, Mom joined them. I just couldn't do it. I went back out to the car and just sat there crying. After they came out, they wanted to stop in some stores nearby. I walked through the stores, empty inside, and just tried to preoccupy myself with looking at the stuff. When we got out to the cars, I had Mom go with them because I just couldn't do it. I drove to a far corner in the lot, parked the car, and started screaming out "WHERE ARE YOU?!?" I stayed there for over half an hour. I talked to my sister-in-laws, and they could tell I was in no shape to be around them. That's all I need is to break down in front of the kids and scare them!

So I drove back home. I was truly alone. I hadn't felt that alone since the day it happened, and I was at my friends' house without them there. I've felt totally alone since this happened, but last night, there wasn't even Mom in the house. I said a whole bunch of prayers and just fell asleep. So today I did manage to get my act together enough to go and have lunch with them. But I doubt I said a dozen words the whole time. I just fucking hate this.

When we got back, I started putting together stuff to send to the accountant so she could do our taxes. Oh God! This is so fucking awful! Why can't I accept this?! I feel as bad now as I ever did. I couldn't figure out what stuff she was supposed to get. I wasn't sure if I had everything. I'd never done that stuff before, Scott always did. So I worked in his office, barely able to see anything because my eyes were all blurry from crying. I still think I should have more things to send. Don't you need some kind of statement that shows how many taxes you paid? Isn't the Unemployment Bureau supposed to send you a statement? I DON'T FUCKING KNOW!!!

I hurt too much right now to type any more. I'm just going to lay down and cry for a bit and then try to find something to waste an hour or two before I go to sleep. That's all I'm ever really doing any more... just crying and wasting the hours so I can go to sleep, and maybe hope that the next day will be a little better.

But it never is.

Last night was not easy. As a matter of fact, it was brutally hard. I don't know what it is about Friday nights, but they hit me hard every time!

I picked up a pizza on the way home from work. Mom and I ate some and watched some TV. I then decided to go upstairs for a bit and pray a little and work on Scott's memorial web page. My two friends were supposed to stop over after they went out for dinner, and I wanted to get a few things out of the way before they showed up. I could feel grief building up in me, and I thought I should let it out. I prayed, and then started on the web page.

That was when I couldn't keep from crying any more. You should never have to preface anything about the person you love most with "In Loving Memory." I couldn't believe I was doing it. It drove it all home and I became a complete and hopeless mess. Then my friends showed up. It took me quite a while before I could go down to greet them. And even then, it took longer before I was able to smile and joke around a little bit.

This roller coaster ride is awful. I can feel relatively OK one minute, and then the next be in total pain and loneliness. I hate the idea that I'm alone in this world now, with nobody to share my life with. When I would get sick, Scott would be nurturing and make dinner and comfort me. When I would get a panic attack in the middle of the night, I'd just have to reach over and feel Scott asleep next to me and I'd instantly feel calm again. If I felt lonely, I just had to think of him and I'd pick right back up again. He was always there for me and gave me the strength everyone needs to make it through life.

Now he's gone, and I'm alone. I only get regular calls from my one friend (God bless Cheryl and Bill. They've been so great), and all other calls from everyone else are sporadic. I'm not complaining I guess. Everyone has full and active lives and I don't expect anybody to be able to babysit me all the time. I'm surprised Cheryl calls as often as she does. But I'm thankful! The world is going on without me, everybody has their partners with them, and I feel like I'm totally alone and stuck in one spot. What's that verse from the Jethro Tull song?

"Did you ever get the feeling
that the story's too damn real
and in the present tense?
Or that everybody's on the stage,
and it seems like you're the only person
sitting in the audience?"

I took a rest from updating my blog. Even tonight, I'm pretty drained, but forcing myself to do it. I don't want to get in the habit of not posting.

I took off work yesterday. I guess I didn't sleep well, or went to bed too late, because I woke up feeling totally drained and feeling crappy. I prayed in the morning before I left the house. I thanked God for all that is good in the world. I know nothing seems good right now, but I have to be honest..... there's a lot of good things in the world. Just the fact that He made us is pretty darned neat. So I thanked him. Then I prayed for my soul, and I prayed for Scott. I asked God that if Scott is troubled right now, to help him find peace. I begged Him to help Scott wherever he is so he could be closer to Him. I also asked to please give me some kind of indication that my prayers are being heard.

I then went into work only long enough to pick up some papers I left there that I needed. I stopped off at the bank to try to open an estate account, but that didn't go too well. It turns out I needed a taxpayer ID number, and I had no idea how to get one. So I was thinking it would be another expensive visit to the lawyer.

Leaving the bank, I was about to get into my car, and this woman was getting out of her car next to me. She called over to me, so I paused. She approached, wished me a nice day, and handed me a small booklet. She was a Jehovah's Witness. The booklet was titled "What happens to us when we die?" I felt remarkably uplifted. I smiled. I looked at her and smiled again. I thanked her for the book, she wished me a nice day, and then headed off to the other side of the bank where the street corner was to start handing out more. I held the book and just kept smiling. I thought "Well, I wanted some kind of sign. If this isn't one, I don't know what is!" So I felt better. That lasted most of the day. I suddenly broke down in Scott's home office, but I think that's OK. I do miss him after all.

Well, I did well most of today. I'm feeling pretty depressed now. I just miss him so much, and I still want to be sure he's OK. I'm starting to get a picture in my head as to what the afterlife is like. You see, I think Heaven or Hell is what we make it to be. I read that when you pass over, the "judgement" that is given you is really that your life is exposed to you. You gain truth and understanding, and you see all the things you've done and all the things you should have done. You then willingly take your proper place in Heaven. People of a higher spiritual nature (think of Mother Theresa) are closer to God and experience Him more intensely. People who are bad don't feel worthy of being close and willingly move further away. People who are truely awful and despondant.... well.... they create their own environment around them. Everyone has the capability of growing and learning and moving closer to God. You just have to be willing to accept the wrong you've done, which can be painful for some people if you've done really bad things. Nevertheless, there's other souls who try to help the ones at the lower levels to grow spiritually. So that's what I was praying for. I want to know that Scott is not being stubborn and obstinate and and depressed (he was very depressed before he died. The vacation was the only thing that made him feel good), and denying himself something good because he feels guilty. It's a serious concern of mine because I know how Scott is. So I'm praying for him and praying that people there will help him grow. And I'm also praying for an ADC.

From the books I've been reading, an ADC is "After Death Communication". It's when a person who has died has contacted you in one of several different ways. Apparently, it happens quite frequently. It could be the smell of a perfume or cologne your loved one wore, or the sensation that they're hugging you, or their voice. And occasionally, you can actually see them. They come to offer comfort and advice to their loved ones here. Apparently, when you're in Heaven, Earth isn't necessarily off-limits. I'm reading a book now telling all about them with excerpts from people who have had them. It's really reassuring. I know you may be thinking "That's a bunch of bunk." I don't care. It makes sense to me,and it gives me comfort, and it doesn't go against anything I believe in anyway. So I'm hoping for one. The only drawback is that sometimes you don't get them for a looooong time, if you get them at all! I'm going to keep praying though, since that can never hurt.

Well, I'm feeling very lonely and depressed right now. I'm going to say a few prayers, read myself to sleep, and hope against hope that tomorrow is better.

I met my counselor tonight and went to a support group. I'm actually feeling better at the moment! I addressed some new issues with my counselor. I told him how it's getting difficult because as every day passes, I miss Scott more and more, and that I feel every day is just something I have to endure before I can go to sleep again. He was supportive as usual. I really like him. I'm thinking of asking him if he'll accept me for regular monthly sessions once I'm past my crisis.

The peer support group was good too. There were only two people there: a counselor and one attendee. It turns out that everyone else that's a regular had to go to some event tonight. I got the times mixed up, and showed up late for what I thought was a 7:30 meeting. It turns out the meetings start at 7:00, so I was really late! But it was nice meeting two new people and talking to them. I should note that the support group is not for grief in particular, but is just a support group for gay men and women. I felt I needed to be around some peers.

After the group, I went back to the GROWW Widowed chat room and worked at giving support to a new member there. So sad! His wife died just 5 days ago. I really feel for him because I know how I felt that early on in my grief. It's still almost unbearable, but back then, it was just numbingly horrible. I know I say "almost unbearable", but I'd rather just say "unbearable". Yet I still seem to bear it no matter how hard it gets. I have no choice.

I'm going to open up my spiritual side. I've started praying again. I'm praying to God, giving him thanks for my life and all that is wonderful in the world, and I'm praying for Scott too. Perhaps the hardest part of this grief is that I feel I really lost Scott. My own personal spiritual side tells me that there's something more beyond death, but when Scott died, all I feel is his absence right now. That raised a lot of doubts in my mind and is adding to my grief. I'm praying to God now to get my faith back and to help Scott. I'm starting to believe that in the afterlife, you create your own Heaven or Hell. I don't think anything is perpetual, and you can move closer to God over time no matter how bad you've been. But also that it helps to have people praying for you. Maybe, with prayer, others on the other side will help the person you're praying for and speed up his moving closer to God. In any case, I've ignored my spiritual side for too long and will now take some action to remedy it.

The mind can be a truly interesting (and frightening) thing. My depression lasted through Sunday. I sat downstairs Sunday morning having my tea and still feeling thoroughly depressed. After a bit, I started sobbing and crying. My mom was understanding and gave me some space. There really wasn't anything to say. She knew I was grieving and that it was unavoidable. So I sat and sobbed and felt like crap all day long. My sister showed up for a little bit in the evening, and I felt a bit better after seeing her. Being around people and chatting helps distract me. I still felt depressed, but at least I lost the urge to cry for a bit.

I got up extra early this morning (still depressed) and headed to Long Branch to help set up for our convention. It was pretty rough. I was thoroughly depressed, and there wasn't enough to keep me busy. The urge to cry kept surfacing continually until around 3:30 or so. I overheard someone telling someone else that they just had a therapeutic massage. I then remembered that when I had one last, it was on the last day I was with Scott. I had the massage, met Scott for dinner, and we went out afterwards. I still remember it vividly. I can see him sitting across from me. I can hear him talking and laughing. I can feel him as I hugged at the bar. I felt so incredibly sad when I thought of those things, I had to leave the room because I was afraid I'd break down crying in front of everyone. What a horrible morning and afternoon!

Then, for some reason or another, the depression eased off a little. I'm home now, and feeling a lot more upbeat than I've been feeling since last Tuesday night when I originally slipped down. But that's what scares me. Last Tuesday, I felt pretty good all day. It's like I started coping with my loss and felt like I would actually be OK in the long run. But then I had that horrible flashback, totally broke down, and stayed in the dumps until tonight. So here I am again, feeling upbeat, and just wondering if when I slip into my depression again, it'll be so horribly thorough and bleak and seemingly unending.

Bleak. If there's one word that can totally sum up what it's like to be in the bowels of depression, it's "bleak". hahahaha! For such a horrible word, I still can't bring myself to use it without thinking of that wonderful line from Auntie Mame. "How bleak was my puberty!" Mine and Scott's favorite movie! I think in his honor, I'll throw an Auntie Mame party when I feel better. I know a few gay people who have never seen the movie yet. Just like Scott turned me onto it, I'll turn them onto it.

I think he would/will really like it.