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Friday, April 30, 2004

Relentless Filter.
The veil of grief envelopes,
clinging to your soul.


Monday, April 19, 2004

I forgot to mention that I spoke with Jim for a couple hours tonight. It was really nice. I was thorough depressed and called him, and he was thoroughly depressed. But by the time we hung up, we were smiling and happy. I'm going there tomorrow night to cook dinner for him. Fettucini Carbonara. He's psyched. I can't wait!

What a fuckin' abysmal weekend! I thought things were getting easier.... they're not! I was barely able to maintain my composure the entire weekend. And there were a couple times I couldn't even do that. I went to Stu and Janet's for pizza and met Bill and Cheryl there. I thought it would be fun, but all I could think of was that Scott wasn't there. It hurt so bad, I almost couldn't bear it. I don't know how people can do this. I just know that I'm starting to wish that I would get hit by a bus or struck by lightning. I layed in bed on Sunday begging Scott to come and take me with him. This is just too painful. For every little bit that I like Jim (and I like him a LOT), I miss Scott a million times more!

I had a mattress delivered on Saturday. The old one was getting so worn, that it needed to be changed. Scott layed in bed a lot watching TV, and his side was sunken in in a permanent indentation. The new one is all thick and poofy and comfortable.... I can't believe the difference. I sat there on the edge of it marvelling at how much higher I was sitting. I didn't realize I was doing it, but I found myself staring at a pair of Scott's shoes in front of me. Do you have things in your house that you're so used to seeing that you don't even see them anymore? His shoes are like that. They're always there and I never think of them. But yesterday, I sat on the bed and stared at them and finally noticed them. All I could think was that he is never going to wear them again.

I have to start putting his stuff away. It just kills me to do that. Every time I do something like that, it's like I'm moving him further and further into the past, and I don't want to do that. I want him with me in the present. This sucks more than I ever imagined anything sucking. How do people bear this?!

Sunday, April 04, 2004

Had a great time with Jim on Saturday. We met at the Westbury in Philly with the third guy from our group and had a nice lunch. I showed up early because I knew the place would hold a lot of memories for me.... and it did. I sat at the bar in tears to the point where the bartender came up to me to see if he could help. When I told him what was wrong, he started crying too. Talk about being pathetic! I actually made a bartender cry!

Jim and I went back to his place and hung out for a while before his friend's party. It was nice. Really really nice. It was so nice to be able to hold someone and be held by someone. I wish Scott could hold me again. I want so badly to wrap my arms around him. That's not gonna happen though.

I'm finding that I'm caring for Jim quite a bit. The party was pretty good. We talked and had a good time. At one point, we sat on the sofa and I had my arm draped around him. It felt really good. Why am I doing this? I still miss Scott so much! Am I being foolish or stupid? Is this a rebound thing? I wish I knew. But I know that it's the only thing bringing any kind of happiness into my life, so I'm not stopping yet. And I really do like Jim.

Saturday, April 03, 2004

Jim picked me up on Friday morning and we spent the night in Atlantic City. It was really great being with him again. This is actually starting to scare me because I'm liking him more than I thought I could like someone. I felt so bad for him though... AC was a favorite spot for he and his partner. It was really too much for him to do all those things again. He was hurting towards the end of the trip. I wish there was something I could have said or done to make it better, but there isn't.

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