Grief Recovery

Jim called me and said it was so nice, we should go to a park for a bit. I met him in Camden in a little park by the river. We wound up sitting and chatting for a couple of hours. It was really nice. I felt so at ease with him and so comfortable. It's almost frightening. We kissed in the car for a bit before we left. It felt so good to hold someone you care about, and feel them holding you. We're both looking forward to the weekend and the party. My mind is all over the place right now. I'm feeling excitement and happiness, and I'm still feeling some pain. It's such a confusing feeling. I'm totally excited about Jim, but Scott is so fresh in my mind still. I can still see him and hear him and feel him. I think of Jim and I get excited and happy. And then I think of Scott, and I feel pain... deep pain. I want so badly to tell him what's going on. I can't believe that I'm going through so much and I can't tell him. The one bright point about this is that Jim understands. Though we haven't talked about it, I just know he's feeling the same things. We can both mourn our lovers to each other without feeling guilt.

My therapist is going to get a hell of an earful tomorrow!

I can't believe this. I went to the Bike Stop and met Jim. We chatted for a while, I met some of his close friends, and I had a really great time! I found I was really liking him a lot, and he was so damn fine lookin'! After we left, we walked back to his car (he was going to drive me to mine). We talked, and I found out he feels a strong attachment to me.... both physically and emotionally. I felt like a lovestruck schoolgirl! My head was spinning in the most wonderful way! I told him I felt the same thing. But both of us didn't know quite what to do! We're still in the heavy stages of grief. Could this be a way of us passing our feelings for our lost loved ones onto someone else? I just didn't know. He drove me back to where my car was parked, we talked a bit more, and I said I really wanted to kiss him.

Oh man! He kisses sooooooo good! He was the lucky one though! He didn't have to stand up afterwards and try to inconspiciously "arrange" himself so he could walk back to his car without the crotch of his jeans bulging out in front of him!

He invited me to a party he's going to next weekend. It's a bit of a drive, so said I could stay overnight with him if I felt comfortable with it. I'm leaning towards it. I'm not sure if it's the right thing to do, but I really like him and want some joy in my life right now. You have no idea how hard it is to be in such thorough pain for so long with not even the slightest sign of joy or happiness on the horizon. So I'm leaning towards going and spending the night with him.

I missed my turn in Philly again. I can't believe that twice now, I've missed Race Street.

I talked to Jim again tonight. Spent another two hours on the phone. I was so depressed and hurting, I gave him a call. He was at a bar with his daughter but sounded glad to hear me. He called me back at 9:00 and we talked for a good couple hours. I have to admit, talking with him really seems to help. By the end of it, we were laughing a bit. We made plans to hook up in Philly on Saturday. There's a social event at one of the leather bars, and he says it's a good way to meet really nice people. I'm actually looking forward to it! I used to go there with Scott, but maybe I'll be distracted enough so that I won't feel pain from being there.

Did my normal peer support group tonight. Last week was not bad. I even told my counselor Monday afternoon that I couldn't understand why the grief decided to take the back seat for awhile. I mentioned that I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Well, it dropped last night. I was overcome with it in the supermarket. I cancelled out of the men's group on Monday night because I was too down and depressed. At least I made the one tonight. Cried a good portion of the way there, and part of the way home. This week is definitely turning out to be a bad one.

I had dinner tonight with one of the guys from my group. We had talked during the week and thought it'd be nice to have dinner in Philly. It was an interesting conversation during the week. I think it lasted almost 3 hours. Neither of us had any idea that we were on the phone for that long! There's definitely a connection between us... we can talk to each other pretty openly. I haven't felt that way with someone else in a long time. Well, Scott and I were always able to talk, but now it's pretty much a one-way dialog. So I met up with "Jim" (I don't want to use his real name because he's in my support group, and we're not supposed to divulge anything that happens in the group to anyone else, and I'm not sure that includes names too, let alone on an internet site) for dinner and we had a great time. He's such a nice guy, so easy to talk to, and in so much pain (like me). He's also pretty sexy, but I don't think it would be a good idea to even think about that at the moment. Even if there was a mutual attraction between us, I'm not sure it would be wise to follow through on it. I mean, how do you start caring for someone when you're still in love with someone else? That's the hardest thing about losing your partner... the emotions are still there. I still love him so fuckin' much it hurts! Thankfully, Jim is a really great guy and I'm positive he'll at least be an incredible friend!

I missed my turnoff leaving Philly tonight on the way home. Conflicting emotions must be really distracting me. I can't remember ever missing Race Street in Philadelphia.

Been a while again. But the emotional rollercoaster has been pretty difficult. You have a good day, then lots of bad ones, then maybe two good days, then lots of bad ones. It's pretty difficult.

I had my first real grief recovery support group tonight. It was recommended to me to call the Samaritan Hospice in Marlton, NJ to check out their support groups. They didn't have one at the moment, but the guy they referred me to was so sweet. He said he may be able to find a couple other people and put together a brand new group. Well, he found two other people, so there's the three of us widowers and Ted, the counselor. The two other guys were so nice, and I felt so bad for them. One lost his partner a couple weeks before I lost Scott, and the other had lost his only within the last couple weeks. We all hit it off extremely well, and we all think the group is going to be a very positive thing for us. We even hung outside after it was over and talked for a bit more after the counselor left. We thought it'd be a good idea to maybe even go out sometimes for dinner or something. Knowing that we're all in the same boat, I think we all have a lot we can offer each other. There's things that, when said, you know the other person understands. And then there's things that don't even need to be said.

Driving home that night, I started feeling a lot better.

It's been a while. I know. This fuckin' rollercoaster is killing me! I've been having some good days here and there. When I'm lucky, I get them back-to-back. The Saturday before last, I went into Philly with a friend, Randy, and it was OK. I enjoyed watching everyone, even if I didn't feel like engaging in conversation. This past Saturday, I went with Stu and Janet over to Jack and Wendy's house. We.... ... there I go again. "We". Like there's really a "we" now. I hadn't seen them in soooo long. We used to work with them, and we lost touch for a while there. They came to the funeral. God Bless Stu and Janet for letting them know about it. They decided we can't lose touch anymore, and I agree. We had a nice time. Jack's a pretty damn good cook! It still wasn't the same though. I was with all of my friends, and I felt ... alone.

This is so hard, I can't even being to describe it. I have these good days, and then I just want to curl up into a ball and die. Today, I'm missing Scott a lot. A real lot! I got the autopsy result back last Tuesday. It was a heart attack! My baby had a heart attack, and I had stepped away and wasn't there for him! That just kills me! I can't keep the tears from coming out while I type this.

Every day, I tell him that I love him and miss him and want to see him again. Maybe one day, he'll answer.

# posted by Bob @ 6:28 PM