Wednesday, May 26, 2004
Today is our 24th Anniversary. It was one of the most awful depressing experiences I ever endured. I started the day out by going to the cemetary. I got a small basket of flowers that I placed in front of his cremation niche. Our niches are at floor level, so the basket was right in front of his. The card on the basket was a "Happy Anniversary" card, and I wrote "Scott, All my love goes out to you. Bobby". I cried placing it there, and continued crying for quite some time.
Like we did every year, I went to the Raven (where me met). We always went for dinner. I didn't think I could endure a whole dinner, so I went for lunch instead. I ordered the Pate Maison (which Scott always ordered as an appetizer) and a Caesar Salad. I also ordered a Dewars on the Rocks. I hate Scotch, but it felt right to be drinking it since it was his favorite drink. Maybe it was masochistic of me, but I kept the drink pushed away from me towards the other side of the table.... like Scott was there and had just stepped away for a moment. Seeing that drink there without him was agony, but in a way, it helped me more easily visualize him sitting there. It was hard, but I managed to make it through lunch, then drove west to see Jim.
Jim's daughter (in college) is staying with him, and I wanted to meet her. He invited me over for dinner because he knew I'd be depressed today. So I drove up there after lunch listening to Pierre's workforce blocks on MMR. That morning, I sent an email to Pierre asking him to play "Best Friend" from Queen. I imagine I didn't make the request in time, because he didn't play it, but I was stunned when he played something else. He played a brand new song from Rush! Wow! I didn't even know they recorded a new album! I can't imagine a nicer anniversary gift than to hear a new song from Rush. Well, a nicer gift would be to have Scott back, but within reason, that's one of the best things I could've had. I wonder if Scott (or some higher power) had his hands in on it?
Dinner with Jim and daughter was very nice. At one point, I forgot it was my anniversary, and then felt guilty and sad when I remembered again. But it was still good seeing them and forgetting for just a little bit. Maybe now that I've gotten it all out of my system, things will improve a bit.
Like we did every year, I went to the Raven (where me met). We always went for dinner. I didn't think I could endure a whole dinner, so I went for lunch instead. I ordered the Pate Maison (which Scott always ordered as an appetizer) and a Caesar Salad. I also ordered a Dewars on the Rocks. I hate Scotch, but it felt right to be drinking it since it was his favorite drink. Maybe it was masochistic of me, but I kept the drink pushed away from me towards the other side of the table.... like Scott was there and had just stepped away for a moment. Seeing that drink there without him was agony, but in a way, it helped me more easily visualize him sitting there. It was hard, but I managed to make it through lunch, then drove west to see Jim.
Jim's daughter (in college) is staying with him, and I wanted to meet her. He invited me over for dinner because he knew I'd be depressed today. So I drove up there after lunch listening to Pierre's workforce blocks on MMR. That morning, I sent an email to Pierre asking him to play "Best Friend" from Queen. I imagine I didn't make the request in time, because he didn't play it, but I was stunned when he played something else. He played a brand new song from Rush! Wow! I didn't even know they recorded a new album! I can't imagine a nicer anniversary gift than to hear a new song from Rush. Well, a nicer gift would be to have Scott back, but within reason, that's one of the best things I could've had. I wonder if Scott (or some higher power) had his hands in on it?
Dinner with Jim and daughter was very nice. At one point, I forgot it was my anniversary, and then felt guilty and sad when I remembered again. But it was still good seeing them and forgetting for just a little bit. Maybe now that I've gotten it all out of my system, things will improve a bit.
Wednesday, May 12, 2004
Things seem to be getting difficult again. It seems that more and more things are triggering memories. An article of clothing, a knick-knack laying around the house, something someone says.... everything seems to bring back a memory of Scott, and all these memories end with that night in Key West, with him laying in front of me. I've been getting so depressed during the daytime that it's difficult to even function. I actually feel physically depressed! I started Wellbutrin last night. It's an antidepressant and also helps you quit smoking. Maybe I can combat the depression and quit smoking at the same time. I started off with a quarter tablet. I'll do that for four days, then move up to a half tablet for a few days, then finally a full tablet. After a couple weeks of a full tablet, I'll try quitting smoking.
I just still can't believe that he's not here with me. Truthfully, the idea of going through life with these memories and feelings isn't that pleasant. Part of me just wants life to zip by quickly so I can be done with it. I just can't imagine that there'll be some future time where there's no pain.
I want so much to be with him right now. I wish he would just come and take me.
I just still can't believe that he's not here with me. Truthfully, the idea of going through life with these memories and feelings isn't that pleasant. Part of me just wants life to zip by quickly so I can be done with it. I just can't imagine that there'll be some future time where there's no pain.
I want so much to be with him right now. I wish he would just come and take me.
Sunday, May 02, 2004
Jim and I spent Saturday night in Philly. We went to Philly's Equality Forum today. The grief counselors from the hospice that hosts our group wanted to have a table at the forum (which culminates with a large street fair on Sunday). We agreed to sit at the table and greet anyone coming by and answer questions. Maybe if someone lost their partner, or knew someone who did, we'd be able to help. But we walked around the street fair and couldn't find the booth. They must have cancelled out. Jim and I spent the night in Philly, but the third guy joined us during the day time. It was OK I guess. Lots of painful memories though. I would have preferred to have stayed home, but I really wanted to support our group at their table. So I wound up being there anyway, remembering how Scott and I would always go every year. I'm so glad Jim was with me, I wouldn't have been able to bear it otherwise.
