Wednesday, June 02, 2004
"God never gives you more than you can handle."
I've had this said to me before on several occasions. The wording may change, but the meaning is always the same. There's a certain amount of comfort to be found in it. Knowing that nothing that happens to you is insurmountable, and that God (who is all-wise) knows you are capable of handling it.
I also don't believe it.
There's two incorrect assumptions in that sentence. The first being that God micromanages everything that happens to us. That when anything at all happens, it's God's purposeful and direct action. I don't believe that for a second. I think God just made up the general rules and laws of this universe, and sometimes really bad and awful shit happens to people. It's the random nature of the universe that He created. In a way, I guess it all comes from Him, but only in a general way. Surely not the purposeful and direct action that's implied.
The second thing I don't believe about that sentence is the "more than you can handle" part. Am I handling this? Usually. Sometimes. Occasionally. Rarely. Never. All of those apply. There were times early in my grief that I simply couldn't bear my loss. Some say that I did bear it, and continue to to bear it. But breaking down, falling to the floor, and screaming is most definitely not bearing it. My friend said to me "I don't know how you manage to even get out of bed in the morning." If I had a choice, I wouldn't. If I really had a choice, I wouldn't be bearing this at all and I would just die. But you see, I have no choice. I have people that depend on me. I don't have the strength, courage, or will to end my own life. Ending your life is the only real choice you have, and for many of us, it's not a choice. So I endure the pain because there's no alternative. It's still there. It's there every day. It continually awakens anew and whittles away any hope of future happiness. Intellectually, I know that eventually I'll recover and happiness will be in the future. Emotionally, I can't ever imagine really being happy again. The best I can hope for is to just bide my time and endure the rest of my life until the eventual end when the pain ends.
It doesn't feel like living right now, it just feels like endurance. Things will change, I know, but it sure doesn't feel that way.
I've had this said to me before on several occasions. The wording may change, but the meaning is always the same. There's a certain amount of comfort to be found in it. Knowing that nothing that happens to you is insurmountable, and that God (who is all-wise) knows you are capable of handling it.
I also don't believe it.
There's two incorrect assumptions in that sentence. The first being that God micromanages everything that happens to us. That when anything at all happens, it's God's purposeful and direct action. I don't believe that for a second. I think God just made up the general rules and laws of this universe, and sometimes really bad and awful shit happens to people. It's the random nature of the universe that He created. In a way, I guess it all comes from Him, but only in a general way. Surely not the purposeful and direct action that's implied.
The second thing I don't believe about that sentence is the "more than you can handle" part. Am I handling this? Usually. Sometimes. Occasionally. Rarely. Never. All of those apply. There were times early in my grief that I simply couldn't bear my loss. Some say that I did bear it, and continue to to bear it. But breaking down, falling to the floor, and screaming is most definitely not bearing it. My friend said to me "I don't know how you manage to even get out of bed in the morning." If I had a choice, I wouldn't. If I really had a choice, I wouldn't be bearing this at all and I would just die. But you see, I have no choice. I have people that depend on me. I don't have the strength, courage, or will to end my own life. Ending your life is the only real choice you have, and for many of us, it's not a choice. So I endure the pain because there's no alternative. It's still there. It's there every day. It continually awakens anew and whittles away any hope of future happiness. Intellectually, I know that eventually I'll recover and happiness will be in the future. Emotionally, I can't ever imagine really being happy again. The best I can hope for is to just bide my time and endure the rest of my life until the eventual end when the pain ends.
It doesn't feel like living right now, it just feels like endurance. Things will change, I know, but it sure doesn't feel that way.
Tuesday, June 01, 2004
I went up to Jim's house on Sunday, spent the night, and attended a cookout he threw for his friends on Monday (Memorial Day). It was great spending the night with him, and it was nice being with him and his friends. Well, it was hard being with his friends. They all know each other really well, and I'm the odd man there. At a couple points, I felt very very alone. I became very aware of the fact that I no longer have my soulmate with me. I went downstairs to sob a bit and managed to compose myself before anybody came down. Overall though, it was OK.
Today, I had a real surprise at work. Pierre Robert called from WMMR! It was so odd actually hearing him on the phone and talking to him. And what totally blew me away was that he was calling to let me know that he was playing the song I requested last week! Pierre, I really love you for calling me and playing that song! I ran out to my car and listened to "Best Friend" from Queen. I cried during it, but I really wanted to hear it. Part of me believes that Scott was aware of it too and knows how I feel.
Ooooh you make me live,
Whenever this world is cool to me,
I got you, you're all I need.
Ooooh, you make me live now honey,
Oooh, you make me live.
You're the best friend that I ever had.
I've been with you such a long time,
You're my sunshine.
And I want you to know that I really love you.
You're my best friend.
Today, I had a real surprise at work. Pierre Robert called from WMMR! It was so odd actually hearing him on the phone and talking to him. And what totally blew me away was that he was calling to let me know that he was playing the song I requested last week! Pierre, I really love you for calling me and playing that song! I ran out to my car and listened to "Best Friend" from Queen. I cried during it, but I really wanted to hear it. Part of me believes that Scott was aware of it too and knows how I feel.
Ooooh you make me live,
Whenever this world is cool to me,
I got you, you're all I need.
Ooooh, you make me live now honey,
Oooh, you make me live.
You're the best friend that I ever had.
I've been with you such a long time,
You're my sunshine.
And I want you to know that I really love you.
You're my best friend.
