Thursday, February 02, 2006
I guess I should start to keep this diary update. It's been a while. Lessee... It's Feb 2nd 2006 and things look really differently now.
Sometime between Christmas and New Years, my mood changed a lot. I went out both those nights. Went to John and John Anthony's for an open house on Christmas Eve. John and Ernie were there. Briefly talked to someone named Daniel. What a handsome man! Talking to John Anthony on Christmas day, it turns out Dan lives nearby. He got on the line to say hi and exchange phone numbers with me. Then I went to Jim's house on New Year's Eve. Dan was there, I even very subtly flirted a bit. Gotta keep in mind though that I'm shy and not very self-confident, so the flirting is very easily overlooked and taken as simple gay friendliness. But the thing is that I actually entertained the thought of dating and started to take interest in someone. Shortly after that, I also found a nice cache of self-confidence. Not enough to let me walk up to a man and ask for a date, but enough to make me feel better day-to-day. It feels good.
Zoloft's side effects seem to be dissapating. I'm getting, uh, horney! more often now. There's only two people I regularly have sex with. Both call me pretty frequently. I have to be careful of the one though. I can find myself liking him too much. He's married. I definitely dislike that! It just bothers me that it's behind his wife's back. I don't want to be the "other woman". Ha! Like I could be mistaken for a woman. LOL. I don't want her to get hurt, but he's gonna go out and have sex anyway, sooooooo. I just have to make sure he doesn't get hooked on me. A few meetings for mutual physical needs is fine, but I don't want him to fall in love with me or something. It'll just be messy for us both. And yes, he's really starting to think fondly of me. We fooled around twice, and I know I left a VERY good impression. Yes, I'm that good. :D
I still have grief moments. Sometimes I bring forth a memory, try to relive it, and feel overwhelmed again. I think of Scott every day, but I'm afraid I'll one day realize that I hadn't thought of him for a long time. Holding him close to me with memories at least lets me "feel" him, and I still feel love and incredible loss when I think of him (starting to cry right now). I don't want to forget those feelings, or forget to feel them.
Enough of this for now. I was doing good up till a minute ago. I'll see you tomorrow.
Sometime between Christmas and New Years, my mood changed a lot. I went out both those nights. Went to John and John Anthony's for an open house on Christmas Eve. John and Ernie were there. Briefly talked to someone named Daniel. What a handsome man! Talking to John Anthony on Christmas day, it turns out Dan lives nearby. He got on the line to say hi and exchange phone numbers with me. Then I went to Jim's house on New Year's Eve. Dan was there, I even very subtly flirted a bit. Gotta keep in mind though that I'm shy and not very self-confident, so the flirting is very easily overlooked and taken as simple gay friendliness. But the thing is that I actually entertained the thought of dating and started to take interest in someone. Shortly after that, I also found a nice cache of self-confidence. Not enough to let me walk up to a man and ask for a date, but enough to make me feel better day-to-day. It feels good.
Zoloft's side effects seem to be dissapating. I'm getting, uh, horney! more often now. There's only two people I regularly have sex with. Both call me pretty frequently. I have to be careful of the one though. I can find myself liking him too much. He's married. I definitely dislike that! It just bothers me that it's behind his wife's back. I don't want to be the "other woman". Ha! Like I could be mistaken for a woman. LOL. I don't want her to get hurt, but he's gonna go out and have sex anyway, sooooooo. I just have to make sure he doesn't get hooked on me. A few meetings for mutual physical needs is fine, but I don't want him to fall in love with me or something. It'll just be messy for us both. And yes, he's really starting to think fondly of me. We fooled around twice, and I know I left a VERY good impression
I still have grief moments. Sometimes I bring forth a memory, try to relive it, and feel overwhelmed again. I think of Scott every day, but I'm afraid I'll one day realize that I hadn't thought of him for a long time. Holding him close to me with memories at least lets me "feel" him, and I still feel love and incredible loss when I think of him (starting to cry right now). I don't want to forget those feelings, or forget to feel them.
Enough of this for now. I was doing good up till a minute ago. I'll see you tomorrow.
